In John 21, after his resurrection, Jesus asks Peter three times....”Do you love me?” We all need to feel loved. But according to Dr. Gary Chapman, a Baptist counselor who has specialized in couples and family issues, we feel especially loved when it is expressed to us in a language we understand. Some of us respond best to compliments and other words of affirmation. Others feel most loved during quality time – when receiving undivided attention from someone close to them. Or some feel it is important to get gifts or tangible expressions of love. The two other most common ways people feel particularly loved is through physical touch and acts of service. My own daughter responds well to hugs, but my son lights up when I make him a sandwich even though he’s quite capable of fixing his own meals.

It is a natural tendency for parents to express love in the way we most want it ourselves. But parenting is not always about doing what comes naturally. In Five Love Languages of Children, Dr. Chapman and his co-author Ross Campbell suggest that when our child misbehaves, we stop and wonder, “What does my child most need right now?” One way to discern how to love your child in a way most effective for her is to listen to what she complains about most often. You can also watch your child with his friends to see how he expresses love to them. Or when you child seems sad or whiny, offer her a choice between activities like getting a backrub or playing a game together. Children who grow up in a loving household become loving people. Though it feels to me that the term “love languages” was manufactured to sell books, many of the child-rearing suggestions by the authors are quite sound. The primary premise seems to follow Maria Montessori’s suggestion that to help a child learn what s/he most needs to learn, we “follow the child.”

 

We are aware of our children’s busy, scheduled lives. And we know how important it is to allow some time for them to “just be with friends.” So we make sure that playgroups, school friends, and sleep-overs are also part of our children’s lives. But what about us parents?

Marla Paul  writes about the difficulties many adults face in sustaining long-standing friendships – and making new friends. Her book, The Friendship Crisis:  Finding, Making , and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore, reminds us that we can set a good example for our children by reaching out to new people and nourishing the friendships we already have . Loneliness for friends can dampen our spirits and make us question ourselves. And we parents need to take care of ourselves so we can care for our children.

Marla Paul points out that “All of us need to continue to freshen our friendship pool because life chips away at our circles. We can never assume we have all the friends we’ll ever need. And plenty of people don’t seem willing to crack open their circles to admit someone new.” This sounds like something we see happening to our children as they move from elementary school to middle school, but it holds true for dads as well as moms. Marla’s book gives details about ways to make and keep new friends in various life stages. It’s a reminder to us that as our children grow in independence, we can help show them that reaching out to others in friendship is an important part of a joyful, fulfilling life. Then, as the Cole Porter lyric goes... “when other friendships have been forgot, ours will still be hot.”